By K5PO, on the scene
Guys and gals, please enjoy the humorous and fake news story below, crafted by the crack news team at Ham Hijinks. It’s a joke. Toilet humor, even. Yes, in fact, there *will* be full restroom facilities at the 2013 Hamvention. So, please stop calling and emailing the fine folks in Dayton with concerns. Now, back to the hijinks…
DAYTON, Ohio — Dayton Hamvention Site Director Mikey Stapp sent an email to all registered Dayton attendees yesterday notifying them of a new “No Restroom” policy at this year’s Hamvention.
Much was made about an infamous event at the 2011 Dayton Hamvention where human waste erupted into the flea market area outside, sending a foul stench through the warm summer air. Stapp said they had to take dire measures to prevent a reoccurrence.
“Everyone regrets the sewage ‘incident’ of 2011,” said Stapp. “We couldn’t believe it when we smelled it! Phew, buddy!” said Stapp. He said a discussion at the recent Dayton Hamvention Onsite Services Subcommittee concluded with only one viable option. “We’re just not going to have any toilets onsite.”
Stapp continued, “The problem from 2011 was that the raw potty-output of the collective attendees simply exceeded the sewer infrastructure of this part of Dayton. At first, we considered using only porta-potties for 2013 to avoid the existing infrastructure concerns, but that would require so much porta-potty real estate we’d have to cancel the outdoor flea market altogether. Ultimately, we determined that if we kept all sewage offsite, we’d just be so much ‘fresher’ and wouldn’t have to worry at all about foul smells or explosive sewage disasters.”
“I sent the email yesterday because I wanted to suggest everyone ‘go before they get here.’ If they all go at their respective hotels, motels, rest stops, and gas stations before they arrive, we’ll spread the crap-load around the town,” said Stapp.
Already, there has been a backlash to the new policy. Local hotels are citing they are concerned about toilet paper shortages and sewage explosions at their own establishments. “I think they’re just trying to make us buy all the toilet paper for them! In this economy!” said Wally Mesa, owner of the local Days Inn.
The Bald Ones Ham Radio Club from Rockford Falls, Minn., planned to make the trip to Dayton this year and also expressed concern. “This policy may be fine for Bill Folden since he has that catheter, but I don’t go in a bag, and my bladder just ain’t what it used to be!” said an angry Club President Johnson Nesmith, who also acknowledged some recent prostate problems. “Well, sure I’ll go before I get there, but I have to ‘go’ about once every thirty minutes these days!”