Federal “Ham Radio Listening Report” Halted Immediately

By WBØRUR, on the scene

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia – As news headlines across the country report on the National Security Administration’s controversial cellular telephone and email data collection efforts, the United States’ top high frequency monitoring service is disbanding a little-known program designed to listen in and record data related to ham radio QSOs.

In a classified filing sent to a Congressional oversight committee, the Secret Commission against Airwaves Terrorism (SCAT) says OPERATION RAGCHEW is being stopped immediately. All federal OPERATION RAGCHEW employees are being reassigned to new duties, all receiving equipment is being sold on eBay, and the office coffee pot is being sent over to Human Resources. All collected data is being shredded and dumped in the Pacific Ocean to form a new coral reef near the Solomon Islands.  (Note: look for this “atoll” to become a new DXCC entity in the near future.)

An insider (not authorized to speak publicly) tells Ham Hijinks that the whole mess was a disastrous fiasco.

“It seemed like a great idea when it was authorized,” says Mr. X, who declines to be identified. “We listened and recorded key details on thousands of amateur radio communications; both domestic and international. But later, after the security specialists analyzed the first quarter data, we discovered it was a huge waste of time. Seriously. Nothing of value.”

After hours of investigative reporting, Ham Hijinks has uncovered the top 10 most often recorded conversation topics reported by OPERATION RAGCHEW to the Congressional committee.

10)  HOW DOES MY SIGNAL SOUND NOW?

9)  QSL, WE WENT TO THE GRAND CANYON 10 YEARS AGO ON VACATION

8)  THE WEATHER (GOOD, BAD OR OTHERWISE)

7)  I THOUGHT I HAD EVERYTHING, BUT HAD TO PURCHASE ONE MORE ITEM

6)  I WANT A NEW RIG BUT THE XYL SAYS NO/YES/MAYBE

5)  LOTW IS TOO HARD/EASY/NOT AN ISSUE, I DON’T OWN A COMPUTER

4)  QRT FOR A BATHROOM BREAK.

3)  GALL BLADDER/HERNIA/HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY WAS A SUCCESS

2) CHICKENS/GUINEAS/HAMSTERS IN THE YARD HELP CONTROL TICKS

1) WHAT FREQUENCY IS THE INTERNET ON AND WHO IS NET CONTROL THIS WEEK?!

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